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PROVVISORIO QUASI D’AMORE di Roberto Balzano



«io non capisco… ma che aspettavi per svegliarti?»
«che ne so… mi ha fottuto… povera me… è la fine…»
«sì… ma quanti erano i soldi in tutto?»
«più di ventimila…»
«diavolo… non può finire così… secondo me devi fare qualcosa…»
«non so… tanto ormai è fatta…»
«adesso dici così perché stai ancora sotto… lascia fare a me… dimmi solo il nome…»
«Walter De Angelis… è del settantasei…»
«vabbè vabbè… ti chiamo io più tardi… oh… tranquilla e cerca di non pensarci!»

* * *

E come faceva, a non pensarci.
Mara era quasi sicura che l’illusione dell’amore non sarebbe durata a lungo, ma non aveva previsto di restare fregata a quel modo.
«faccio l’attore… in una soap… si chiama Un posto al sole… forse ne hai sentito parlare…»

Che buffone! È una vita che seguo ‘Un posto al sole’ e a te non ti avevo visto neanche una volta!

Aveva finto lo stesso di crederci, però. Per quanto la riguardava, in quel momento, lui poteva pure raccontarle che veniva dalla luna.
Non c’era niente da fare.
Ci sono vite in cui gli eventi accadono imprevedibili come l’onda anomala: vanno e vengono senza patimenti e senza preavvisi. E ce ne sono altre che si consumano, nell’attesa che qualcuno venga a saldare il debito con tutte le storie vissute soltanto nell’immaginazione.
La sua era così. Più passava il tempo, più sapeva che se ne stava lì ferma soltanto ad aspettare il primo stronzo disposto a dirle due parole dolci e farle girare un po’ la testa.
Perciò, quando aveva ricevuto il primo messaggio di Walter, Mara, pur non osando confessarselo, aveva sperato che qualcosa di nuovo potesse finalmente sostituirsi alla desolazione della sua vita.
“Ti va un caffè con un semi-sconosciuto incontrato per caso in treno? Se vuoi ci vediamo domani sera. Notte. Walter”.
Roba da ragazzini, si era detta. Ma il tipo del treno l’attirava, eccome.
Era stato eccitante farsi fare il filo la mattina, e già questa era una novità.
Lui si era sistemato sul sedile con disinvoltura, si era guardato un po’ intorno dentro il vagone quasi vuoto, e poi si era messo ad esaminare con attenzione questa nuova possibile preda.
… una quarantina d’anni senza fede stagionata segretaria
tintura fresca un po’ grassoccia ma a dieta poche amiche…
Mentre lui se la studiava, Mara si sentiva in imbarazzo e per nasconderlo fingeva l’espressione indifferente di una abituata agli sguardi insolenti dei maschi.
Poi era cominciato l’assalto. Un po’ vago ma insistente. Lui parlava, parlava, parlava.
… il lavoro le vacanze e tu che fai io sto sempre in giro
le donne i soldi cerco ancora quella giusta…

Siamo onesti. Io non ho mai creduto a niente.
È stata la bocca a fregarmi, quella carnagione scura, gli occhi verdi. Non c’era niente di male, se per una volta me la spassavo un pochino anch’io…

La sera dell’appuntamento Walter era stato perfetto. Cena vino passeggiata.
«… una interessante come te chissà quanti ce ne ha già dietro…»
Qualche sorriso e un lungo bacio umido, e Mara si era sentita come la ragazzina di un cadetto che torna a casa in permesso.
Non era niente di serio, certo…
Ma il gioco le piaceva. Lui era bello e attraente e a lei, ormai, non erano in tanti a filarsela.
Iniziava anche a scoprire il piacere di indossare per qualcuno la sua collezione di intimo, con i reggiseni di pizzo e le calze autoreggenti.
Ogni volta, prima di vedersi con Walter, ci metteva delle ore per prepararsi. E quando, seduta davanti al televisore ad aspettare, o uscendo di casa per andare a incontrarlo, si sentiva il cuore batterle fin dentro allo stomaco, quello, pensava, era il segno che un po’ di vita fremeva finalmente anche nelle sue vene.
Comunque aveva deciso di non abbandonarsi ai sentimenti.
Reticente alla dolcezza e alle confidenze, un po’ in ritardo agli appuntamenti, nessuna curiosità sulla sua vita privata. A Mara sembrava di stare prendendo tutte le precauzioni per evitare i rischi dell’amore a quarant’anni.
Intanto gli incontri si infittivano. Dopo una quindicina di giorni Walter aveva cominciato a fermarsi la notte da lei. Lasciava in giro i vestiti, usava il suo bagno, chiamava dal suo telefono.
La sua presenza stava invadendo l’ordinato bilocale di Mara, e mentre lei si incantava a vedere quel ragazzo muscoloso e ben fatto girare a torso nudo per la casa, tutta la sua sicurezza si stava dissolvendo.
«aspetto ancora il pagamento di quel contratto… sto un po’ al verde… non è che potresti… tanto ha detto l’agente che al più presto…»
Allora Mara aveva preso dal cassetto un fascio di banconote e gliele aveva messe nel palmo. Aveva finto di risentirsi perché sapeva che lui sarebbe stato più gentile e premuroso nel ringraziarla. Infatti Walter l’aveva seduta sulle sue gambe, dicendole di stare tranquilla, che era un periodo un po’ così, che lui l’amava, e che quando si aggiustavano le cose…

Che figlio di puttana, io mi stavo attaccando come una cretina, e lui continuava a riempirmi di minchiate…

«stasera vedo uno importante… una cena per un lavoro… mi daresti…»

Così Mara, da quasi due mesi che durava la tresca, si stava sputtanando un bel po’ di soldi.
Si usciva sempre meno. Walter non dava spiegazioni, non giustificava ritardi ed assenze, e lei non chiedeva mai nulla.

Lui sperava che fossi io a decidere di smetterla. E invece no. Volevo proprio vedere dove la trovava un’altra disposta a farsi trattare come me.

Mara, consapevole fin dall’inizio dei pericoli di quella relazione, era determinata ad andare avanti perché di meglio non avrebbe potuto trovare. Il bastardo la chiamava cocca e la scopava tutte le notti, e se questo costava un po’ di soldi era giusto, era il prezzo da pagare all’età e alla vita.

Niente illusioni o false speranze.
Solo un libero scambio. Ero io a decidere di continuare a pagarmi quella specie di amore.
Quando non me lo sarei potuto permettere più, la porta sarebbe rimasta chiusa. Lui ci avrebbe pensato un attimo e se ne sarebbe fottuto.
In fondo che può pretendere una che inizia a trovarsi pure i peli bianchi in mezzo alle gambe…

A letto, però, era sempre lo stesso. Walter sembrava sinceramente attratto da lei. Quelle mani calde che stringevano la pelle un po’ ruvida dei suoi fianchi, quei baci violenti, il suo modo di muoversi: era bello sentirsi posseduta da Walter che le stava addosso come un adolescente cresciuto molto alla svelta.
Dopo tre mesi la dipendenza fisica da Walter, e la precarietà del loro rapporto, stavano mettendo Mara in agitazione. Temeva che lui si fosse cacciato in qualche grosso pasticcio e volesse mollarla, perciò si era decisa a provare di tutto pur di non farlo scappare.
«è un periodaccio… vorrei tenertene alla larga… in questo momento sono inaffidabile… meglio che per un po’ ti lascio tranquilla…»
«se è per i soldi fa niente… insomma… me li dai quando puoi… figuriamoci…»
«tu sei una grande… ma… davvero… è meglio se tolgo il disturbo…»
dove vuoi andare? e io?
«dai tesò… non preoccuparti… passa…»
se mi abbandoni che faccio?
«qualunque problema hai, ricordati che io sto sempre qua… per il resto non ti chiederò mai niente…»
Walter si era convinto che non gli conveniva ancora tagliare i ponti con Mara. Continuava ad andare a casa di lei, ma la situazione era patetica.
Non si scopava quasi più. Solo vestiti da lavare e cene riscaldate. Walter, stanco e irascibile, sembrava non avere più bisogno neanche di soldi. Ci sarebbe stato da insospettirsene, certo, ma Mara agiva come se l’avessero narcotizzata. Si sentiva, di colpo, invecchiata e incapace di reagire.

Io lo sospettavo pure, ma lui ha finto da quell’attore che non era. Aveva finto amore affetto progetti, e a me non m’era rimasto più nulla. A quel sogno non ci avevo mai creduto, ma non si poteva strapparmene d’improvviso.
Mi aggrappavo ancora a lui. Bastava la presenza a stordirmi.
Non potevo che dargli tutto.

«tesò… c’è un fatto grave… devo un bel po’ di soldi a uno… questo dice che me la fa pagare… purtroppo i soldi del contratto non arrivano ancora… c’ho due giorni di tempo… è un casino…»
Senza dire una parola Mara prese il libretto, strappò un assegno, lo firmò senza scrivere l’importo e lo lasciò sul tavolo.
Poi si mise sul letto e aspettò che lui la prendesse.
Non sapeva ancora quale fosse il prezzo di quella notte, ma senza dubbio ne sarebbe valsa la pena.
Al mattino, sveglia quando lui era già andato via, si sentì svuotata e inconsistente.
Lui non sarebbe tornato, e lei non avrebbe tentato più nulla.

* * *

«Mara… sei tu… lo fottiamo quel bastardo… ho parlato con un avvocato… una tosta… dice che devi denunciarlo… che si può montare un bel caso…»
«che ne vale la pena?… la storia la conosci… è pure colpa mia…»
«oh… guarda che quello ti ha rovinato… come si fa a fartelo capire…»
«sì ma…»
«tu sei una vittima… lui se ne è approfittato e lo sapeva pure troppo bene quello che stava facendo… è giusto fargliela pagare… tu non sei l’unica… sai quante ce n’è, ridotte come te…»
«vabbè… l’assegno però l’ho firmato io…»
«dice l’avvocato che si può dimostrare che te l’ha estorto… che comunque non è questo il punto… dai… passo più tardi ti faccio firmare l’esposto…»
«sicura?»
«non c’è da discutere!»

* * *

Mara sta andando al lavoro.
Prima di salire sul treno si ferma a comprare il quotidiano. Si siede tranquilla e un po’ assente come al solito. Apre il giornale alla pagina della cronaca locale e legge.

“Si è presentato fingendosi un attore affermato, riuscendo a sedurre una donna di 42 anni, poi ha messo in atto il suo ignobile progetto. L’uomo, 27 anni, ha ingannato la sua vittima prima promettendole amore poi sfruttandola. Le ha estorto una ingente somma di denaro e poi l’ha violentata…”

,

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