UA-51082228-1 BENVENUTI A ‘STI FROCIONI di Wu Ming | Rivista Origine UA-51082228-1

BENVENUTI A ‘STI FROCIONI di Wu Ming

Scrivere una sceneggiatura mi sembrava la sciocchezza finale.
D’altra parte uomini migliori di me si erano ritrovati incastrati
in un’impresa così ridicola.
Henry Chinaski

1

Perplessi, ci lasciammo alle spalle il Quirinale ed entrammo nella sede della Filmeuro. C’eravamo Noi Quattro (Mr. Fantastic, la Cosa, la Torcia Umana e l’Uomo Invisibile), poi c’erano Salman e Renato, e infine il noto scrittore e sceneggiatore Wilfredo Cerumi, occhialoni scuri, innaturalmente abbronzato. Renato ridacchiava. Salman cercava di calarsi nella parte (ma quale parte? E soprattutto calarsi cosa?). Cerumi – il tramite tra noi tutti e la Filmeuro – gongolava, qualunque cosa significhi.
Nell’ascensore, Cerumi ricevette un sms, a cui rispose con una telefonata. All’altro capo c’era un certo Mimmo “Er Camboggia”, che chiedeva a Cerumi dove fosse finito Patroclo, detto “Er Sola”. Cerumi liquidò l’interlocutore dicendogli di chiedere a tale Gino “Nuncesecrede”.
D’istinto, un tipo simpatico.
Quando ci aprirono la porta, l’unico mio pensiero era: mi scappa da pisciare. Nell’atrio, la segretaria della segretaria ci fece accomodare su un sofà troppo imbottito, dai cuscini altissimi. Non resistetti più di dieci secondi, mi alzai e chiesi dove fosse il bagno. Il bagno era una porta mimetizzata nel corridoietto che portava all’ufficio del boss. Dagli altri uffici, telefonate con cadenze romane.
Mentre vuotavo con sollievo la vescica, sentii presentazioni e frasi di circostanza, là fuori. Il boss era arrivato, Cordelio De Gaudentiis in persona, produttore di capolavori imperdibili come Benvenuti a ‘sti frocioni e Benvenuti a ‘sti frocioni 2, mèntore di grandi attori come Massimo Sboldro e Tristram De Fica. A parte i baffi, somigliava al bulldog che difende Jerry dagli assalti di Tom, nei vecchi cartoni mgm. Indossava un doppiopetto blu, fatto su misura.
L’ufficio, colossale, sembrava il set di un peplum anni cinquanta, regia di Tanio Boccia: due colonne si ergevano ai lati della mega-scrivania, ma non arrivavano fino al soffitto, chissà perché si fermavano prima. Da una grande vetrata si poteva ammirare il tramonto su Roma, usufruendo di un cannocchiale montato su un treppiede e adagiandosi su una sedia da regista con la scritta: “De Gaudentiis”. Cristo, come c’eravamo arrivati lì? Eravamo forse impazziti?
Mentre una ragazza posava le tazzine di caffè e riempiva d’acqua i bicchieri (avrebbe continuato a riempirli per tutta la durata del briefing), riepilogai le fasi della nostra discesa nell’abiezione.

2

Il nostro romanzo d’esordio Uh? era uscito l’anno prima, con gran successo di pubblico e di critica. All’epoca Noi Quattro, riuniti sotto lo pseudonimo collettivo “Joe Jordan”, eravamo absolute beginners, non avevamo un agente e il primo contratto di edizione (in seguito emendato) era una vera chiavica. In particolare una clausola suonava sinistra:

Per le singole cessioni dei diritti di sfruttamento cinematografico, la Casa editrice corrisponderà agli Autori la metà dei ricavi netti percepiti. Spetta alla Casa editrice curare le trattative riguardanti tali cessioni. Rimane inteso che i contratti stipulati dalla Casa editrice con i terzi rimarranno in vigore fino alla loro scadenza anche in caso di scioglimento del presente contratto.

Ma quando stai per fare il salto dall’editore lestofante Roccasecca – capitolino scopritore di talenti mancati, nonché ex-sbirro ed ex-titolare di un’agenzia di investigazioni private – alla major Heynoughty non ti metti troppi problemi, ché fare troppo gli sboroni quando si è all’inizio spiace.
All’indomani delle prime ventimila copie vendute, ci avevano informato che la Filmeuro aveva fatto un’offerta d’opzione. “Opzione” significa che si versa una somma e si bloccano i diritti per un tot numero di anni, così non li compra nessun altro, e intanto si rimugina sul da farsi.
Ci era parso strano che qualcuno volesse trarre un film da Uh? Trama troppo incasinata, scene di massa, costi altissimi. Probabilmente stavano pescando con le bombe, ramazzando opzioni su tutti i libri venuti a galla, tra cui il nostro. Quasi alla cieca.
Morale della favola gli ingessati figuri dell’Heynoughty, all’indomani delle prime ventimila copie vendute, avevano siglato un bel contrattino “record” – secondo i parametri tanzanesi di cui vanno fieri – con Mr. De Gaudentiis. Per loro erano soldi facili, se li sarebbero messi in saccoccia senza muovere un dito. L’accordo prevedeva l’esborso da parte di Cordelio di una congrua cifra nel caso avesse deciso di passare dalla semplice opzione all’acquisto dei diritti; cifra che ovviamente avremmo dovuto dividere a metà con il nostro editore. E tante grazie.
Il resto del contratto non ci riguardava. Nel senso che saldati i diritti di riproduzione cinematografica il big boss avrebbe potuto usare il nostro romanzo per trarne il plot di Benvenuti a ‘sti frocioni 3, scegliere come protagonisti Saul Bove e Gina Lollobrigida, e commercializzare le miniature del protagonista Gerets “Ti sgozzo” o cappellini con la Uh? stampigliata sopra… tutto questo, ovviamente, senza darci mezza dracma.
Ovviamente un cazzo, avevamo pensato. Come credono di riuscire a mettere mano a un romanzo fluviale come Uh? senza avere bisogno di noi? Siamo gli unici che possono raccapezzarsi in quel popò di trama. Dovranno venire a Canossa.
A Canossa, per l’intanto, c’era venuto l’editore. Ci eravamo presi il miglior agente letterario del paese, Heriberto Cienfuegos, che aveva rinegoziato contratti, anticipi, percentuali, assestando agli executives dell’Heynoughty una sfilza di metaforiche manganellate nell’interno coscia.
Questo un anno prima.
All’inizio di giugno la Filmeuro ci aveva proposto di scrivere il “trattamento” di Uh? per er cinema. Si imponeva un incontro a quattr’occhi.

3

Ed eccoci nella Capitale, a cercare di capire cosa esattamente ci si aspettava da noi e – in un secondo tempo – quanto avrebbe potuto fruttarci quel lavoro. Con noi c’erano i responsabili della collana Crawl, Salman e Renato, appunto. Tra i pochi heynoughtiani con cui mantenevamo rapporti cordiali.
De Gaudentiis e Cerumi, seduti all’altro capo della chilometrica scrivania, ci fecero un po’ di complimenti, rimpallandosela in allegria e usando esclusivamente la parlata indigena d.o.c. (più tardi Mr. Fantastic avrebbe commentato: – E se mé in t’l’ardûsrés par lavurèr a cminzipìéva a dscårrer in ptrugnàn?)
Più che lo sbirro buono e quello cattivo, avevano deciso di impersonare Aldo Fabrizi e Alberto Sordi, per lusingarci con florilegi gergali de prima scelta. Dei tipi simpatici, tutto sommato. Pensai che forse una qualche clausola aziendale proibiva l’utilizzo di altre lingue nelle riunioni di lavoro, e quando toccò a me fui incerto se accontentarmi del mio accento o adeguarmi agli usi locali imitando Ferruccio Amendola quando doppiava Er Monnezza. Optai per la prima ipotesi, ché non pensassero a un intento sfottitorio. Cercai di capire cosa Lorsignori avessero in mente.
De Gaudentiis, dopo aver ripetutamente elogiato Ze Gladiètor, e rammaricandosi di non averlo fatto lui, cercò di farci capire che per Uh? aveva in mente una produzione in grande stile. E si mise a sfoderare nomi grossi: Roman Polansky (da non confondersi con Romano Polaschi, quello di Maciste contro gli uomini paguro), Riddliscòtte, Wolfgang Petersen (“perché è tedesco…”).
Poi elogiò un altro film in costume, ma si rammaricò del fatto che nessuno riuscisse a pronunciare il nome del regista, Abdul Hassan Halim da Silva Lunacharskji Jr., e che Lunacharskji Jr. avesse già due film in turnaround (pronunciato esattamente come si scrive).
Concluse quella tirata con la frase:
– Insomma, questa nun pò esse ’na produzzione da cinque milioni de dollari, capite? E’ un colòssal in costume!
Dopo i primi venti minuti mi aspettavo che da un momento all’altro Carlo Verdone uscisse da dietro una tenda e dicesse: “Ok, buona la prima!”
Invece niente. Quando ormai la vescica stava per scoppiarmi (a causa dei quindici bicchieri d’acqua che la solerte aiutante della segretaria della prima segretaria mi aveva versato), la riunione si concluse con un:
– Falli lavora’, nel libbro c’è tutto, nun te preoccupa’, c’è tutto. – proferito da Cerumi con aria rassicurante.
De Gaudentiis ci congedò con un appuntamento per il mese prossimo. Eravamo in grado di portargli una prima ipotesi di canovaccio?
– In grado siamo in grado, ma che ne è del valsente? – sfregando i polpastrelli di pollice e indice della mano destra.
De Gaudentiis abbozzò:
– Me metterò ‘n contatto coi vostri editori – accennò a Salman e Renato – e farò loro una proposta pecugnaria.
– No – interponendoci – dovrete mettervi in contatto col nostro agente, il temuto Heriberto Cienfuegos.
A Joe Jordan non lo si mette nel culo, cari i nostri.

4

– Compadres, non dategli un cavolo. Non scrivete un cavolo finché non avete in mano la valigetta con le banconote di piccolo taglio e numeri non consecutivi. Con quelli là non si sa mai. I cinematografari sono dei maestri a prenderti per il sedere.
Al telefono, Cienfuegos era una voce calma che s’allungava da un eufemismo all’altro, ottenendone effetti più dirompenti che se avesse usato il turpiloquio.
– Compadre, ce l’hai un’idea di quanto ci possono offrire? E c’è modo di rimanere coinvolti nell’operazione anche dopo che gli abbiamo dato il soggetto?
– Non fatevi grosse aspettative, hermanos. Stiamo parlando di cinema italiano, cioè una contraddizione in termini. Io adesso cerco di capire cosa vogliono esattamente da voi, se solo una consulenza su come ridurre il romanzo, o un trattamento vero e proprio, o addirittura la collaborazione alla sceneggiatura. Dopodiché, vi saprò dire quanto possiamo chiedere.
– D’accordo, ma c’è modo di sganciarsi se vediamo che fanno una schifezza con Saul Bove?
– Lasciate fare a me. Voi non scrivete niente.
– Mé? Mé an scrîv gnìnt, gnanc s’ai vén zå Crésst! – concluse Mr. Fantastic.

5

Scrivere no, ma almeno rifletterci sopra.
Ridurre la trama di Uh? era un’impresa titanica: dieci sotto-trame avvinghiate tra loro, uno dei protagonisti (l’alchimista olandese Eric Gerets) cambiava identità ogni volta che raggiungeva l’orgasmo, poi c’era una storia di spionaggio che prendeva le mosse dall’arrembaggio a una nave di quaccheri appena salpata per il Nuovo Mondo, interferiva coi piani di alcuni funamboli per rubare un forziere dalla residenza del borgomastro di Scheißestadt e culminava in una rissa fra nani luterani e cattolici per le strade di Tuebingen. Come asciugare la vicenda senza impoverirla né banalizzarla?
Indicemmo una sorta di consultazione telematica: a tutti gli abbonati alla nostra e-zine fu chiesto di spedire un riassuntino di Uh?, “8-10 righe al massimo… Non mettere giudizi critici, niente aggettivi o inviti alla lettura, solo la nuda trama, a grandi linee. Ci occorre ricevere il maggior numero possibile di riassuntini, per analizzarne le costanti. Inoltre, quali sono i cinque personaggi che più vi hanno colpito nel romanzo, e perché?”.
Nelle due settimane successive, ricevemmo svariate decine di riassuntini, alcuni davvero illuminanti, altri invece enigmatici, come questo:

Venticinque anni dopo la morte dei loro genitori (uccisi dalla mafia cinese), i due gemelli Chad e Alex si ritrovano a Hong Kong: il primo è un immaturo che pensa solo alle donne; l’altro un contrabbandiere. Non si capiscono e non si piacciono, tuttavia, convinti da “zio Jack”, un amico di famiglia, i due decidono di riprendersi l’impero economico fondato dal defunto papà e attualmente inquinato da connivenze con la Triade. Ci riusciranno al termine di terribili battaglie a colpi di arti marziali e di armi automatiche, superando anche le reciproche incomprensioni.

Che è o che non è, alla fine ci raccapezzammo. Una settimana di brainstorm e ce ne uscimmo con una versione semplificata della storia. Certo, i raccordi erano approssimativi e il tutto era schizzato a grandissime linee. Trasformare quegli appunti in un trattamento sarebbe stato comunque un lavoraccio.
Dopo un rapido consulto con Cienfuegos, fissammo un nuovo appuntamento col big boss e una mattina di fine luglio scendemmo a Roma col solito treno Neurostar.
Pare che il designer incaricato dalle FS, da bimbo avesse problemi a giocare con le formine di legno: cercava d’infilare il cubo nel buco rotondo, e viceversa. A dire di chi lo conosce, quest’antica incapacità di comprendere la geometria euclidea avrebbe influenzato la progettazione dei sedili. Non ci piove che un oggetto di forma sferoidale (una testa) rotola giù da un piano inclinato se non trova ostacoli di sorta (i poggiatesta laterali). Ergo, sul Neurostar è assolutamente impossibile schiacciare un pisolino.
Fu così che arrivai a Roma profondamente irritato, per via dell’alzataccia.

6

Stavolta non c’erano Salman e Renato, della qual cosa mi rammaricai. Era appena uscito il romanzo di Salman, Epopea di un avvistatore di incendi narcolettico, che mi era piaciuto molto, e avrei voluto congratularmi con lui.
Eravamo in anticipo di dieci minuti, così rimanemmo di fronte all’ingresso. Si fermò un taxi e ne scese quella simpatica canaglia di Cerumi, più bronzé che mai.
– Aò, pischelli, come ve butta? Che state a fa’ qui davanti? Annamo dentro!
Arrivati al piano, Mr. Fantastic si accorse di avere lui la vescica piena e disse a Cerumi:
– Aiò da andèr dóvv ne al pèpa ne al rà pôlen mandèr l’ambasadåur.
Cerumi lo fissò, con un punto interrogativo stampato in fronte. Tradussi io:
– Er pischello deve anna’ ar cesso.
Quando fummo di nuovo al completo ognuno prese posizione intorno alla scrivania imperiale come fossimo l’equipaggio dell’Enterprise. Il Comandante De Gaudentiis sfoggiava una cravatta celeste a pois bianchi e un completo grigio scuro. Lo staff della Filmeuro contava però due nuove entrate, che identificai subito come executives dell’azienda. Una signora che si presentò come Carlotta Carolina Grimilde Paraponzi e un ciccione di età indefinita il cui nome mi sfuggì appena si fu presentato. Nel corso del briefing, costui si tolse le scarpe e con la penna cominciò a rimuoversi il petecone dalle dita dei piedi.
Alla richiesta: – Ditece un po’ – di Cordelio ribattemmo con l’esposizione dall’inizio alla fine del plot che avevamo elaborato, premettendo che si trattava di una prima ipotesi, non già del trattamento.
Cordelio e Cerumi si divisero le parti, il primo con obiezioni tipo “no, ma fateme capi’… ah, questo Mattrix è il primo cattivo, quello che fa tutto er casino… ma er protagonista io ancora nun lo vedo, perché se dà tanto da fa’, cosa lo spinge?”; il secondo rassicurava:
– Ce stanno li poveracci contro i ricchi, i buoni e i cattivi, hai capito Corde’? Poi arriva er profeta che fa l’Ugnone Sovietica… Mo’ hanno ridotto la trama, adesso se devono mette in testa che ce sarà da taglia’, da semplifica’, sennò viene un film de otto ore… – e via di questo passo.
Poi la disquisizione si spostò su esempi che potevano servirci come modelli per lavorare al trattamento.
– E dài, Corde’, com’era quer film… quer film de Coppola… Dài, con Marlon Brando…? – chiedeva Cerumi mentre si infilava un paio di falangi nel naso.
– Ah, ho capito, Apocalisnau, no, ma quello era un film sbagliato, nun va bbene. – rispondeva De Gaudentiis, spalancando le fauci per ostentare il sonno arretrato.
Per non essere da meno, pensai che era l’occasione buona per cimentarci nel numero della scoreggia: il primo si inclina di lato sulla sedia stringendo gli occhi nello sforzo, il secondo fa uguale e così via, effetto domino. Non lo facemmo.
Anche perché Cordelio si era già lanciato in una nuova deriva:
– Ma a voi nun ve ‘nteresserebbe scrivere per il cinema? Robba contemporanea… Per esempio sui gggiovani. Che ne so, secondo voi quale potrebbe esse in Italia er corrispettivo der campus universitario americano?
Lo guardammo come se avesse parlato coi rutti.
Cercai di buttarla sul ridere con una sempiterna verità:
– A noi piacciono i film di arti marziali.
– Bello, me piace! L’avete visto er film con Tom Cruise, ce stanno le moto che fanno er kunfù, se inseguono, s’abbrancicano, se strusciano nell’aria… Già me immagino la storia: un ragazzo, un ggiovane italiano, che per passatempo fa er kunfù, va in vacanza in Thailandia e là se trova a risolve un inghippo, e alla fine deve usare le arti marziali pe’ salva’ se stesso e la sua ragazza.
Pensai subito a un grande classico dell’hardcore con Andrea Nobili, Un bolognese si incula mezza Bangkok, ma non glielo dissi. D’istinto gli avrei fatto un pernacchio. Invece vuotai il bicchiere d’acqua che avevo davanti, il settimo.
Improvvisamente, come risvegliato dal letargo, il ciccione di cui non ricordavo il nome prese la parola:
– Me raccomanno, dovete sta’ in campana, che ‘na cosa è fare un film per gli americani, e ‘n’altra per gli italiani. Gli americani so’ ggente semplice, io li conosco bbene, parlo l’inglese perfettamente, so’ stato in America ‘n sacco de vorte, ce vado pure adesso, pe’ e ferie, so’ fregnoni. Prendi Zebleruichproget. In America è andato fortissimo, qua da noi è stato un flop. Agli americani se je fai vede’ er bosco, li regazzini, uuuuh, se mettono già paura. Qui da noi, soprattutto da Roma in giù, je dici er bosco, li regazzini…Mavaaaffaaanculo! Te mannano a caga’. E’ che noialtri semo più smalizziati. Gli Americani so’ naìf, durante ‘a guera, a Napoli je fecero sparì ‘na corazzata, oh, dico, ‘na corazzata! Li regazzini se vendevano i negri per strada: Accattateve ‘o nigro!!!
L’urlo rimbombò nella sala riunioni.
Io e i miei soci ammutolimmo senza più colpo ferire. Eravamo nella sede della più grande casa di produzione cinematografica italiana, in mezzo a colonne finto-pompeiane, al cospetto dell’imperatore Cordelio I in persona e dello sceneggiatore de La vita è ‘na mmerda (Oscar® per il miglior film straniero), con le vesciche strapiene d’acqua minerale Urelia, ad ascoltare il fratello gordo di Ninetto Davoli disquisire d’antropologia.
Cerumi attaccò con un aneddoto:
– ‘na vorta ce stava un amico mio, er Catombe…
Ci scambiammo occhiate eloquenti. Sulle facce dei miei soci lessi la stessa domanda: “Che ci facciamo qui?”
Era tempo di telare. E alla svelta. Prima di piegarci in due dalle risate o fracassare la testa a tutti con il telescopio a treppiede, tipo Arancia Meccanica.
De Gaudentiis ci chiese di consegnargli il lavoro finito a metà settembre, “ché er tempo strigne”. Muy bien, pensammo, sfregandogli ancora pollice e indice davanti al naso. Facendo la faccia del produttore povero in canna, ci elargì frasi geppette e sibilline che non promettevano niente di buono:
– Io ho già un contratto cor vostro editore… Nun me fate pesa’ er fatto che siete quattro… In fondo che v’ho chiesto? Un riassuntino!
Uscimmo con tutti i neuroni smadonnanti. Per un attimo ci fermammo a guardare il tricolore alto sul Quirinale. Quante migliaia di dipendenti c’erano là dentro? Un tizio stipendiato per sgrullare l’uccello del Presidente, un altro che sgrullava l’uccello del primo sgrullatore, e probabilmente ogni sotto-sgrullatore aveva un vice-sotto-sgrullatore, e così via fino al gradino più basso della scala gerarchica. Parassiti, preti per ogni dove, gente der cinema… La cittadinanza romana doveva avere una pazienza infinita per sopportarli tutti.
Mentre ci dirigevamo a piedi verso la stazione Termini, oppressi dalla canicola e contagiati dalle eleganti inflessioni capitoline, pensavamo una cosa sola: “Sti fregnoni ce devono da’ un sacco de sordi…”.
Sul Neurostar che ci riportava verso nord riuscimmo a fare una telefonata a puntate col comandante agente Cienfuegos, sfidando l’orografia che ci costringeva a richiamare dopo ogni tunnel. Dopo avergli relazionato nei dettagli dell’incontro al vertice, ci lasciò con un:
– Compadres, si impone una chiacchierata vis-a-vis. Salite il prima possibile in Longobardia e parliamone davanti a una bottiglia di Barolo.
– Cosa intendi per “prima possibile”?
– Domani. Lorsignori si faranno vivi. Io prenderò tempo, ma voglio capire cos’hanno in mente.

7

Sono per la difesa delle bio-diversità, anche culturale. Ogni anno centinaia di lingue e dialetti muoiono con gli ultimi anziani che le parlano. Le sostituisce la povera, incolore lingua del business, proprio come i cibi locali vengono spazzati via dalla merda di McDonald’s, piante nobilissime lasciano il posto a tristi lattughine plastificate e non-pomodori da ketchup, innumerevoli specie animali vengono private del loro habitat, si rannicchiano in un angolo e muoiono. Mc Donald’s fa spianare le foreste e ci coltiva erba mutante per turbo-mucche (possibilmente pazze) ultra-estrogenate.
La similitudine si fece strada nel mio cervello mentre ripensavo alle due riunioni con De Gaudentiis: la dittatura del romanesco, imposta dalla RAI, dai film dei fratelli Branzina e da categorie professionali mono-etniche come i doppiatori dei film, stava impoverendo la lingua, ne occultava sempre più le varianti, sospingendo ai margini i gerghi, gli slang, le espressioni idiomatiche locali… E non era nemmeno romanesco, tecnicamente parlando. Era un orribile medio-registro coatto-borghese, banalizzato, sempre uguale, basato sì e no su cinquanta vocaboli. Una neolingua fast-food, lo slang pre-fabbricato delle turbo-mucche. Cinquanta milioni di italiani non parlavano così ed erano esclusi da un buon 80% dell’entertainment multimediale. Dovevano convertirsi alla neo-lingua (cosa che molti stavano già facendo) o attaccarsi al cazzo. Un discorso che se lo facevi ti davano subito del leghista.
Il peggior prodotto del leghismo è l’antileghismo.
Ero d’umore saturnino mentre in macchina ci dirigevamo verso la Longobardia. Eravamo in cinque, c’era anche L’Uomo Ragno, già autore del romanzo fantapolitico Novosibirsk brucia!, entrato in ditta dopo l’uscita di Uh?. Gli avevamo spiegato la situazione, e il suo unico commento era stato:
– Ragazzi, è del tutto evidente che rischiamo di perdere la nostra street credibility.
Arrivammo nel capoluogo culturale della Longobardia intorno alle quattro del pomeriggio. Nello studio di Cienfuegos, tracimante di libri, il nostro agente ci salutò porgendoci una scatola di sigari.
– Compadres, ho appena parlato con De Gaudentiis. Ha detto che, proprio perché siete voi, può spingersi fino alla cifra di *********.
L’Uomo Invisibile perse i sensi e cadendo battè il cranio su uno spigolo della scrivania. Un piccolo schizzo di sangue bagnò il sigaro di Mr. Fantastic, che commentò:
– Qué a i armittänn l èsen e i marón!
Le due assistenti di Cienfuegos fecero sniffare i sali al nostro cagionevole socio, che si rialzò e disse quello che tutti noi stavamo pensando:
– Con quei soldi lì ci campo sì e no tre mesi tra affitto e spese varie! Non se ne parla neanche. Zero. Zero!
In effetti, era una cifra che avrei immaginato ridicola anche per la cinematografia del Botswana. De Gaudentiis si aspettava che: 1) ci strizzassimo il cervello come uno straccio bagnato per tirar fuori un soggetto da un delirio come Uh?, e 2) che ci compromettessimo con una roba su cui non avevamo alcun controllo e chissà come veniva, tutto per un pugno di… qual è la valuta del Botswana?
E questo dopo aver alluso a mega-produzioni multimiliardarie, co-produzioni pancontinentali, Riddliscòtte, Polaschi etc. etc. Ne chiedemmo ragione a Cienfuegos, che spiegò:
– Compadres, per il cinema voi sareste degli esordienti, e come tali vi trattano, ma non crediate che in Italia girino cifre molto più alte. E poi, questo è il colpo di coda, speriamo l’ultimo, del contratto-capestro che vi fece firmare la Heynoughty. In ambiente letterario vi siete già emancipati dalla condizione di “autore di scuderia”, ma De Gaudentiis ha trattato l’opzione con l’editore, di cui continua a considerarvi poco più che una propaggine. Difatti ve lo ha detto: “io ho già un contratto col vostro editore”. Per come la vede lui, dovreste considerare grasso che cola anche una sola dracma in più.
– Grasso che cola un cazzo, è lavoro in più e va retribuito, e andrebbe retribuito in proporzione allo sbattimento e soprattutto all’investimento! Cos’è, tra due-tre anni su quello che abbiamo scritto noi tutti ci faranno i miliardi, e noi ci accontentiamo di due scudi? Non esiste. Viceversa, se devo essere tirato per i capelli dentro un’operazione che magari partorisce Benvenuti a ‘sti frocioni 3, e se devo vergognarmi a uscire di casa per tutto il periodo in cui lo proiettano nelle sale, allora devono darmi molti più soldi di *********.
– Compadres, decidete voi. Potete vederlo come uno stentato inizio, un passo necessario per cominciare a lavorare come soggettisti in attesa che crescano le vostre quotazioni, oppure potete valutare che è meglio non essere coinvolti in nessun modo: se il film è buono, tanto di guadagnato per il libro e per voi; se il film è cattivo, almeno potete prendere le distanze, poi il film cadrà nel dimenticatoio mentre il libro rimarrà sugli scaffali. Tra l’altro, bisogna vedere se il film riescono a farlo anche senza di voi, perché al momento non hanno niente da far leggere all’eventuale regista e agli investitori, e l’opzione scade tra pochi mesi.
Confabulammo per un po’ mentre Cienfuegos controllava l’e-mail, e decidemmo di tirarcene fuori.
La sera, cenammo con Cienfuegos e altri amici nella sua tenuta di campagna. Ci sedemmo in cortile, a metabolizzare il cibo e gli alcolici. Centinaia di grilli cantavano tutt’intorno, e una luna quasi piena illuminava i canneti. Da lontano arrivava la musica di un locale, attraversando chilometri di quiete. A Love Supreme di Coltrane, terza parte, Pursuance. Ci sentivamo in comunione col mondo, commentando le note, raccontandoci vecchie storie, inalando a pieni polmoni l’aria umida. Bologna e Roma erano roventi tagliole d’asfalto, in cui le gambe rimanevano imprigionate. Lì invece portavamo le giacche, e chi aveva abiti più leggeri teneva le braccia conserte e la schiena un po’ curva.
– E adesso? – chiese Mr. Fantastic.
– Già, e adesso? – gli fece eco l’Uomo Invisibile.
– Adesso scriveremo un racconto su tutto quello che è successo. – risposi io.
Eccolo qui.

No ©, prima settimana d’agosto 2000. Qualsiasi riferimento a persone, avvenimenti e dialoghi reali è del tutto voluto.

Scritto da:

Origine - genesi sociale degli immaginari mediali - Direttore MICHELE INFANTE

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