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STORIA FUNESTA DELL’AVVOCATO M. E DI ALCUNE INTERESSANTI CIRCOSTANZE. di Francesca Mazzucato

Butto ogni giorno la spazzatura nella casa di Christian. Sono due passi, dal numero 112 di via Martiri della Libertà, appartamento di fronte alla ferrovia, ultimo balcone in alto a sinistra con la bandiera arcobaleno. Giro a destra e vado verso il passaggio a livello, sotto la collina di Porto Maurizio. Si intravede sullo sfondo il borgo arroccato che di sera sembra un paesaggio di potenza primitiva. Di solito esco alle dieci, guardo il panorama, annodo il sacco e cerco. Hanno scritto così, sul bidone, con un pennarello indelebile. “ Questa è la casa di Cristian”, si sono dimenticati anche la acca nella fretta. Christian deve aver provato a grattare via quelle lettere enormi che sembrano davvero fare il verso a certe targhe sulle porte di casette periferiche tranquille e borghesi, magari con zampilli, ghiaia e nani in giardino. “Questa è la casa della famiglia XY, attenti al cane”, “Appartamento del professor JJ, bussare”. A Christian qualche buontempone ha dedicato il bidone. I tentativi delle cancellature si notano in alcune ombre di verde più scuro ma non hanno avuto alcun effetto. La scritta resta e ogni giorno, mentre sollevo il coperchio e gettò i sacchi neri su una maleodorante montagna di ossa di animali, detriti, sughi, bottiglie e lattine appiattite, roba che non penseresti mai di poter produrre, sussurro:” Buongiorno Christian”. Mi sono abituata a considerare un privilegio il fatto di non utilizzare un bidone anonimo, uguale a tutti gli altri. La spazzatura ha una speciale valenza simbolica ( dove finiamo, come finisce quello che mastichiamo, consumiamo, evacuiamo). Fissarsi sui singoli oggetti, superando il disgusto, è come gettare uno sguardo disincantato sulla natura della nostra esistenza impermanente( e puzzolente). Scusami Christian , rovescio nel tuo appartamento lo schifo di una giornata, i resti del pollo, la bottiglia di ammoniaca, le bucce di banana, tutte le mie manie(sei birre scure in bottiglia al giorno), i miei gusti(un solo tipo di fiocchi d’avena), le mie psicosi( contenitori vuoti di tranquillante in gocce dal nome perfetto, “tranquirit”, che fa impallidire gli inutili e incomprensibili “xanax”, o “tavor”. “Tranquirit” inizia ad essere efficace quando uno legge il nome sulla confezione bianca. ) Poi ci sono frammenti di abiti vecchi, lacerati e sporchi e rotoli di carta igienica non finiti(lasciare sempre uno strato bianco per non far somigliare il tubo di cartone a un torsolo di mela, ossessione d’infanzia) Ogni cosa ha echi maleodoranti del suo uso primario e serba le tracce della sua trasformazione. Sono i miei rifiuti e quelli dell’avvocato M., mio padre. M. e io e non abbiamo sempre vissuto insieme. Anzi, lui ha smesso di vivere con me molto presto. Abbiamo fatto fatica all’inizio. Si trattava di ricostruire l’abitudine agli odori e agli spazi. L’abitudine al reciproco russare, non ritmico ma convulso, nel mio caso, e fatto di apnee catarrose nel suo. Abbiamo risolto con lentezza, affrontando un problema alla volta. In fondo lui è mio padre, l’avvocato M. e per molti anni non siamo riusciti a scambiarci neanche due parole. Io lo irritavo e lui mi urlava nella cornetta del telefono le sue opinioni, lui mi irritava e io desideravo che morisse per smettere di vivere in quella maniera avvilente. Lo desideravo con pietà autentica, nuda. Adesso sono felice che sia con me, nella città che io ho scelto molto tempo prima e della quale lui mi diceva:” Fa schifo, si va a Imperia solo a prendere l’ olio, anzi io adesso me lo faccio mandare così non ci devo più passare”. Io gli dicevo:” Sai, la mia casa guarda la collina , è vicina alla ferrovia e ha una finestra lu…”, lui mi diceva che doveva chiudere e non lo sentivo per altri tre mesi. In fondo si trattava dell’avvocato M., molto impegnato, richiesto, desiderato. E doveva, come non mancava di ricordare a tutti, anche a certi camerieri e panettieri di raffinate botteghe del centro, non mancava di ricordare che tirava avanti la baracca. Manteneva una compagna esigente, una ex moglie altrettanto esigente e a volte aveva aiutato anche me. Adesso sono io che mi occupo di lui e mi sorride quando lo imbocco anche se parla poco. Conobbe la maestra S. quando ero adolescente. La maestra S. in quel periodo era senza lavoro, e M., avvocato con la vocazione del mecenate, avido di mostrare il suo potere, affettivo, economico, generoso, ma sempre un certo tipo di potere,
le offrì un posto di lavoro. Segretaria, per il momento, poi, appena possibile, l’avrebbe aiutata ad inserirsi nel mondo della scuola. Perché all’epoca l’avvocato M. sapeva che poteva fare anche questo, grazie ad amici e a conoscenze strategiche in tutti i campi dell’amministrazione pubblica. In realtà, nel momento in cui offrì a S. una scrivania, delle matite e una macchina da scrivere le offrì anche un posto nella sua vita ed S. lo occupò in quella maniera felpata che le apparteneva come la carne molle attorno ai fianchi, il pollice verde e la passione per le tende della doccia decorate di rane. Come un velluto a coste S. avvolse il corpo, la casa e l’esistenza di mio padre, l’avvocato M. che adesso vive con me ma che non ci ha mai vissuto molto, in passato. Adesso mangia minestre in brodo che compro al supermercato dietro la ferrovia, non lontano dalla casa di Christian, il luogo delle mie soste del mattino, ore 10 più o meno, quando, dopo il buongiorno, rovescio nel bidone i medicinali di M, le sue scatole di sigari vuote e i residui di frutta che a tenerli troppo in casa finisce che puzzano e tutto può accadere nelle mie case ma non devono puzzare, perché quel marciume degli ambienti in decomposizione l’ho già conosciuto, troppo bene, in passato. In quel passato ormai diventato una nebbia. Avevo 11 anni, forse 12. Quando M. decise che alla felpata e pingue maestra S. poteva offrirsi completamente, lei sorrise accompagnando i movimenti della bocca ad un lento ondeggiare, io rimasi nella casa sulla collina con il giardino a terrazza. Ci rimasi con mia madre e mia madre ci rimase con la sua bottiglia. Io vivevo e lei beveva o piangeva o chiedeva soldi alla nonna dicendo che M. non le dava quello di cui aveva bisogno per mantenere il tenore di vita a cui lei era abituata e che le competeva. In fondo M. in quel periodo spendeva molto. La felpata neomaestra S. che aveva abbandonato la sua scrivania di segretaria e finalmente insegnava ai bambini quello che aveva imparato nella vita( coltivare fiori, cucinare tortini di patate con molto formaggio, avvicinarsi alle cose con un lento ondeggiare che permette di non spaventare chi le deve concedere), voleva una casa come aveva sognato da ragazza e quindi era tutto un comperare centrini, pirofile e porta pane. Aveva una vera ossessione per le pirofile, le piaceva sapere di averne di tutte le dimensioni, le lucidava, le mostrava alle amiche. E sui porta pane si era fatta una cultura. Era una maestra ignorante ma l’ unica vera esperta di porta pane e quando ne inventarono un tipo particolare che teneva il pane in caldo grazie a uno speciale marchingegno la vidi piangere e ringraziare mio padre con una carezza e poi piangere ancora, e vidi mio padre, l’avvocato M. che in quel momento sentì sedata la sua inquietudine innata e si sedette nella casa – museo voluta dalla neo maestra S.(scuola in periferia ma prestigiosa) contemplando sereno quello che aveva costruito. Una casa con una vera donna.(era una questione di fianchi e di equilibri obliqui e anche di parole poco impegnative. Forse erano anche le rane. M. non si era mai reso conto di quanto gli dessero allegria e per sei mesi fece a meno del Valium, restando per ore ad ammirare quegli animali verdi che gli saltavano addosso da ogni angolo.) Adesso sono io che ogni tanto gli propongo qualche goccia di Tranquirit. Giusto per aiutarlo a dormire. Mia madre, rimasta nella casa gialla, passava male il tempo e il tempo passava male su di lei. Guardava vecchi film seduta catatonica sulla poltrona della sala pensata per una famiglia molto più grande e io vivevo, alla meglio.(cercavo di vivere come può vivere una ragazzina di neanche tredici anni giocando a pallavolo e imparando la migliore marca di assorbenti per le mestruazioni osservando per ore gli scaffali del supermercato e quello che sceglievano ragazze più grandi e più esperte. Fu un apprendistato maldestro, tanto che ho cominciato ad usare quelli interni a 27 anni e una mia amica è rimasta esterrefatta e mi ha dato della primitiva, ma non avevo altre fonti se non una massa di generose passanti e tante coop) Dopo qualche anno mia madre cominciò ad uscire con alcuni proprietari di boutique, signori anziani e carichi di attenzioni, pretenziosi e leziosi quel tanto che bastava perché le apparissero fini, distinti, come diceva allora. Smise di essere catatonica e quella casa pensata ed arredata per una famiglia molto più grande divenne solo mia. E sua , quando c’era, con la bottiglia , qualche gioiello e creme di bellezza che le regalavano questi signori evidentemente attenti all’apparenza come la maestra S. ma senza quella predisposizione per le rane ed essendo più distinti di S. capaci di fare regali più raffinati che tende di plastica trasparente e bicchieri porta dentifricio decorate di rospi e rane color verde bottiglia. Qui, nella casa che divido con M. non ci sono rane. Da nessuna parte. La vita dell’avvocato M. divenne sempre più tempestosa e tumultuosa, soddisfazioni e scontri, prevaricazioni e pranzi. Soprattutto le ultime due cose. Pranzi in ristoranti raffinati e prevaricazioni. Ai clienti, ai parenti, ai viventi, a chi gli capitava a tiro. Liquidò il fratello che aveva espresso qualche riserva sulla maestra S. e quella certa irritante sicumera che esibiva nelle cene di famiglia attingendo le parole da uno di quei manuali:” Come apparire determinati ed equilibrati in ogni situazione” che si trovano nelle edicole delle stazioni. Lo portava sempre nella borsa e parlava nello stesso modo. Frasi giuste, pulite, morali. M. le ascoltava estasiato. In fondo la vita era molto più semplice e bella di come aveva mai potuto immaginare. “ E la semplicità è un terrazzo fiorito dove coltivare anche delle fragoline”, gli sussurrava S. a labbra protese, sempre felpata e sorridente, dai fianchi sempre più cadenti nascosti con maestria in abiti che provenivano dalle stesse boutique degli amanti di mia madre.(forse si incontravano nel camerino, o forse gli amanti di mia madre le permettevano di cambiarsi nell’ufficio) Io avevo 13 anni e vedevo che tutto si stava incrociando. Attorno alle boutique, alle rane, alle fragoline, ai ristoranti costosi. Quell’incrocio puzzava, me lo ricordo bene. Puzzava più della casa di Christian al pomeriggio, quando ormai in tanti hanno gettato il loro sacco di plastica ben annodato. Puzzavano i prodotti, i tappeti, i compact disc di musica classica, i preconcetti, la miopia. Puzzava la perversa sensazione che in quella borghesia slabbrata ci fosse il segreto del saper vivere e puzzavano i manuali. Dietro quella puzza c’era qualcosa che si spaccava, si squagliava pronto a putrefarsi, ma nessuno di loro, mio padre il celebre civilista avvocato M., mia madre con gli amanti nelle boutique e la S. delle rane pareva volersene accorgere. Me ne andai dopo poco e gli incroci aumentarono. Anelli, cerchi concentrici, dei quali M. ignaro di ogni rapporto di causa ed effetto, si sentiva l’artefice. Era costantemente sulla riva di un fiume a lanciare pietre e ad ammirarle saltare sul pelo dell’acqua. Chiunque gli si avvicinasse per provarci, per dirgli, magari” forse se lo facciamo insieme ci divertiamo di più”, veniva travolto con la furia delle grandi occasioni. Perché ne aveva di diversi tipi di furie, dette anche furori plateali dai colleghi di studio: la furia delle grandi occasioni, quella degli eventi inaspettati, quella delle cause andate male. Furie e passioni. Con i puntelli verdi e rossi della maestra S che si esibiva in cene per gli amici dove le sue pirofile e i suoi porta pane autoriscaldanti facevano sempre una porca figura. “Ma dove l’hai comprato?” Le chiedeva la signora S. T. “Ma quanto costa?” , incalzava la moglie dell’avvocato P, amico e sodale di M. La ormai realizzata maestra S., sollecitata da queste domande, partiva in quarta, sorrideva ondeggiando(ma meno, con gli anni e con i chili in più la sua posizione sul terreno era diventata più stabile e solida) e raccontava. Raccontava di ipermercati e di cose. Di grandi occasioni e colpi di fortuna. Ipermercati con grandi parcheggi e gente elettrizzata che entra nuda ed esce carica di oggetti. Invasata. E anche nei suoi occhi, quando raccontava, durante cenoni di natale, capodanno o pasqua, non aveva importanza, c’era un certo guizzo di follia che la rendeva magnetica per i suoi interlocutori. Descriveva la voluttà dell’ acquisto, soprattutto quando si trattava di un oggetto apparentemente inutile ma, per chi come lei sapeva guardare avanti, capace realmente di migliorare la qualità della vita. Io la immaginavo uscire con il carrello pieno di attrezzi per il giardino, ciotole per gatti anche quelle autoriscaldanti come gli ormai leggendari porta pane, e immaginavo il suo sguardo, ebete e vuoto. Sazio. Nel frattempo mia madre andava e veniva da viaggi coi suoi amanti ma se le chiedevo qualcosa, qualunque cosa su come passava il tempo fuori di casa, opponeva un ostinato silenzio. Con me parlava solo della bottiglia. E dei surgelati speciali, subito pronti , che trovava e che dovevano risolvere il problema della mia cena, in sua assenza. Blaterava di piatti succulenti che dovevo solo riscaldare “ per venti minuti, massimo trenta”, e anche quello era un cerchio che la avvicinava alla maestra S. e ai suoi porta pane. I supermercati che entrambe battevano, probabilmente erano gli stessi. Come le boutique. Come la sensazione di avanzare nella vita percorrendo la strada giusta, solide come pietre, senza tentennamenti. Un giorno, mia madre tornò da Cuba e mi portò un sacco di piatti pronti per microonde. Una novità. Il microonde sarebbe arrivato dopo due giorni mentre lei sarebbe ripartita l’indomani. La sera stessa la uccisi. Non per le sue partenze. Mi piaceva la casa vuota, mi piaceva respirare quello spazio pensato per tante persone, del quale mi impossessavo riempiendolo di quello che volevo(era il mio unico privilegio, e tenevo a godermelo fino in fondo) La uccisi per quei piatti pronti, per quelle confezioni da microonde. In quel momento, al ritorno da un viaggio a Cuba del quale non di aveva parlato ma di cui sapevo ogni dettaglio, offesero il mio senso estetico quelle platesse, quelle lasagne, quei polli alla diavola,” come fatti in casa”. Non ricordo molto di come avvenne, ho della nebbia nella mente, ancora adesso. “Rimozione”, sentenziarono gli psichiatri. Mi concessero molte attenuanti, anche grazie all’interessamento di M. In preda alla furia degli eventi imprevisti, fece di tutto per tirarmi fuori, anche perché la maestra S. riteneva la mia posizione scandalosa e nociva per il suo staus sociale e riuscì a piangere qualche lacrima ai funerali della mamma. Tutti gli amici si diedero gomitate e notarono che la sua nobiltà d’animo era pari all’attenzione che aveva per i porta pane e le pirofile. Fece una gran figura al funerale di mia madre la ormai vicepreside S. e continuò a parlarne per tanti anni, fino a quando non morì per cause naturali. Uscì di scena al momento giusto, pianificando l’effetto. Fu allora che l’avvocato M, mio padre, venne a vivere con me. Stavo a Imperia da molto tempo, avevo condiviso la casa e la vita con un medico che era andato via. Niente avrebbe reso i miei spazi di nuovo allegri, come lo erano stati grazie alla sua presenza. Di nuovo carichi di quella vita che la casa gialla aveva violentato e ucciso, attraverso piatti surgelati e rane per procura. Ormai non c’era più e io ero di nuovo sola, come a 13 anni ma in una casa più bella. Me lo chiese in un sussurro e gli permisi di venire. Ma le regole erano le mie e lui doveva dire sì. Sì a tutto. Niente piante, niente pirofile. Poche parole fra noi. E la spazzatura, ogni giorno, nella casa di Christian. Perché le mie case non hanno mai emesso quel maleodorante fetore degli anelli concentrici, dei legami agonizzanti che hanno popolato tutta la vita dell’avvocato civilista M., mio padre, che adesso ha quasi 80 anni e fatica ad alzarsi dalla poltrona. Le mie case profumano di candeggina al sentore di bosco. Qui, a Imperia, la vendono solo in un ipermercato e pochi lo conoscono. Di sicuro Christian, che ormai da anni contiene le confezioni di plastica verde, che butto ogni mattina, dopo averlo salutato.

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