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FORSE E’ GIA’ MATTINO E NON LO SO di Matteo B. Bianchi

“Val la pena vivere solo dalle 11”
Diana Est – “Tenax”

Gli occhiali scuri, lo ammetto, sono solo uno sfizio personale. Soprattutto di sera. Di certo non li indosso per camuffarmi, non ce ne sarebbe alcun bisogno. Sono così diversa da allora: vent’anni di distanza, due figli alle spalle, una vita vissuta come moglie e madre… Sono cose che ti cambiano, e radicalmente. No, travestirsi non serve. Nessuno mi riconoscerebbe comunque. Persino il nome, Diana Est, appartiene al mio passato. Adesso, semplicemente, sono un’altra. E anche questa fissazione, questa smania che mi tormenta è solo un momento, destinato, come tutto, a passare.
L’ossessione che mi attanaglia è comparsa all’improvviso, e per caso, una sera che ero fuori con Ivan. Di tutta la gente di allora – cantanti, discografici, promoter, vallette, presentatori, coriste – lui è l’unico con cui ho tenuto un filo di contatto. Ci sentiamo per telefono e ogni tanto (una volta all’anno, se va bene) ci vediamo pure. Il mese scorso avevamo appuntamento al ristorante arabo di via Cadore, ma quando sono arrivata lui era lì che mi aspettava in macchina per avvisarmi che aveva cambiato programma. – Andiamo a un concerto – ha detto.
– No, ti prego. Che concerto? –
– Gli Xymox. Te li ricordi? –
Oddio, gli Xymox! Un gruppo di dark elettronico dei primi anni 80 che noi due adoravamo… Avevano inciso un solo album, almeno mi sembrava, e l’avevamo consumato a furia di ascoltarlo.
– E fanno ancora le canzoni di quel disco? – ho chiesto.
– Ma sei scema? Sono passati secoli, hanno pubblicato duemila altre cose… Comunque non sono cambiati per niente, vedrai –
Mi sono lasciata convincere e sono salita sulla sua auto. Il posto dove aveva luogo il concerto era un locale assurdo chiamato Transilvania Club (il nome diceva già tutto): un bar illuminato a malapena, teschi sul bancone, catene penzolanti dal soffitto, drappeggi gotici alle porte e alle pareti una sfilza di lapidi decorative in memoria del Conte Dracula e Frankenstein. Una paccottiglia che faceva sganasciare Ivan, ma a me metteva una certa angoscia. E forse proprio perché ero impegnata a scrutare scheletri e finte bare ho impiegato una decina di minuti prima di rendermi conto che noi due eravamo i soli, nell’intero locale, a non essere vestiti di nero. Io camicetta e jeans, Ivan (figuriamoci) t-shirt con fiori violacei e pantaloni in pelle rossi. Due alieni colorati in un mondo di dark convinti. Per quanto sporgessi la testa in tutte le direzioni, intravedevo solo tuniche scure, camice nere in raso lucente, croci al collo e capelli cotonati. Impressionante. Abituata com’ero oramai alla vita di paese e alle serate a casa a guardare le fiction in tv, pensavo che gente così fosse sparita da secoli, seppellita insieme ai miei ricordi dell’epoca. E invece, eccoli qui. Perfettamente conservati, cloni di generazioni precedenti pronti a replicarne filosofia e gusti. Roba da non crederci. Persino rassicurante, in un certo senso.
Quando gli Xymox sono saliti sul palco ho percepito un fremito fra il pubblico. Quasi tutti i presenti si sono accalcati verso il gruppo lanciando degli urletti di medio fanatismo. Sentendo le prime note di basso e batteria anch’io, come loro, ho riconosciuto quel suono cupo e pulsante che mi faceva impazzire un tempo, quella ritmica ossessiva e inquietante che esprimeva perfettamente le mie angosce giovanili. Ho agguantato Ivan per un braccio e ci siamo mischiati tra i ragazzi che gridavano. Abbiamo cominciato a sgolarci ed era come essere tornati indietro di due generazioni in un attimo.
Aveva fatto bene a portarmi qui. Dovevo ammetterlo.
Un manifestino all’ingresso sopra la cassa annunciava “Dopo il concerto, revival-wave anni 80 con dj Skary”. Lo show era terminato da una decina di minuti e noi stavamo già per lasciare il locale, ma quando Ivan l’ha letto ha insistito perché ci fermassimo ancora un po’. – Balliamo una mezz’oretta, mi sto troppo divertendo -. Come potevo rifiutarmi? Siamo tornati dentro e ci siamo buttati in pista. In apertura di programma il fantomatico Skary aveva sparato la classicissima “Tainted love” versione Soft Cell, poi ha infilato “Lovesong” dei Simple Minds, seguita da “Relax” dei Frankie e subito dopo… no, non era possibile! Quando ho sentito il ta-ra-ta-ra-ta-ra-tà iniziale ho pensato a uno scherzo dell’immaginazione. Invece Ivan si è subito voltato verso di me con uno sguardo luminoso di meraviglia. Indicava la cassa più vicina a lui e diceva: – Ma la senti? -. La sentivo, la sentivo: l’intro di batteria elettronica e tastiere, il clap-clap e poi l’ingresso della mia voce: “Una notte estetica, un inconscio fragile…”. Era “Tenax”, il mio primo singolo, etichetta Ricordi, anno 1982.
Sono sempre stata radicale nelle mie scelte. Tanto ero stata entusiasta di intraprendere la carriera musicale, tanto ero stata risoluta nell’interromperla quando ho capito che non era fatta per me. Mi sono bastati tre 45 giri per conoscere i meccanismi del mercato, i contratti capestro, i passaggi promozionali forzati. Non era la mia strada, quindi mi sono fermata. Un ragionamento elementare, che però sembra incomprensibile alle orecchie di un discografico quando i tuoi singoli sono nella top-ten delle vendite. Comunque, quando io chiudo una porta è per sempre. In questi anni, ho imparato a resistere a tutto: alle proposte di tornare in sala d’incisione, alle richieste di interviste, alle lusinghe televisive, alle “Meteore”, alla “Notte Vola”, al “Cocktail d’amore” e, per arrivare agli estremi limiti, a Limiti. Non mi interessava essere famosa allora, figuriamoci se volevo essere oggetto di modernariato adesso.
Eppure, quella sera, al Transilvania, è accaduto qualcosa. Qualcosa che mi ha smosso nel profondo, che è arrivato a toccarmi dentro. Vedere tutti quei ragazzi cadaverici saltellare e cantare a memoria l’intero testo della canzone, riconoscere nei loro sguardi l’importanza sentimentale che quel brano aveva per loro, mi ha scosso. E ho capito improvvisamente una verità che era talmente ovvia che ho avuto bisogno dell’evidenza per riconoscerla: non è del plauso sociale che io ho bisogno, delle interviste ai giornali o dell’occhio delle telecamere. Io voglio lo sguardo della gente, voglio vedere l’eco della mia voce dentro di loro.
E’ in quel momento esatto che ha preso il via la mia ossessione.
Usciti dal Transilvania Ivan aveva il fiatone e si faceva aria con le mani. Aveva ballato per quasi un’ora senza fermarsi un attimo. Io ho aspettato che si riprendesse, poi ho buttato lì la domanda, con studiata casualità.
– Secondo te ci sono altri locali che trasmettono ancora i miei dischi? –
– Ma scherzi?! Quasi tutti… Il Plastic, lo Shocking, il Rolling… Dove c’è una serata eighties ce li infilano quasi sempre… –
Ho sorriso calma e siamo tornati alla macchina, ma dentro di me sentivo acceso un fuoco di inquietudine, una smania di vedere, sentire, conoscere, che controllavo a fatica. Quando ci siamo salutati l’ho ringraziato per la bella serata, come se niente fosse. Ma a dire la verità per me niente era già più come prima.
Oggi sono una specie di profuga mondana. Tutte le sere, quando i bambini sono a dormire e mio marito è davanti alla tele, io prendo l’auto e vengo a Milano. All’inizio lui protestava, ma poi ha capito e adesso mi lascia fare. E’ una specie di rituale privato, di catarsi self-made, che voglio e devo affrontare da sola. Gli ho chiesto il permesso di ritrovare i miei vent’anni e lui me l’ha concesso.
Ormai ho imparato a conoscere le serate giuste, i dj da seguire. Il mercoledì è la sera dei Magazzini Generali, il giovedì del Rolling, il venerdì del Gasoline. Il sabato sera non ho che da scegliere: posso andare sul classico con il Plastic, oppure provare qualcuno di questi nuovi grandi locali all’aperto che hanno aperto in periferia, come il Karma, che da fuori sembra uno sterminato deposito di auto abbandonate, e invece è un parcheggio immenso che circonda una pista da ballo in mezzo ai giardini.
Il rituale è sempre quello: entro mischiata alla folla di ragazzini, mi scelgo un divanetto accanto alla pista o una poltroncina di vimini in giardino, sorseggio un cubalibre e mi guardo in giro. Sembro una qualunque donna sola, ma nella mia testa sono un agente in missione, un inviato speciale dal passato, un monaco zen in attesa della sua illuminazione. Che avviene, avviene quasi sempre. Di solito sul tardi, di solito con “Tenax”, magari in versione disco mix, come si diceva ai miei tempi. Ma ogni tanto qualche dj in vena di curiosità si divertente a variare programma e a mettere sul piatto “Le Louvre”. Addirittura, settimana scorsa, alla serata lounge della Piscina Solari, mi è balzato il cuore in gola quando ho riconosciuto l’attacco di “Diamanti”, l’ultimo singolo che avevo inciso, il meno noto, il meno venduto. Persino questo hanno ritirato fuori. Chi se lo sarebbe immaginato.
Ma il mio compito privato è proprio quello di esserci sempre, di stare all’erta per captare esattamente questo tipo di miracoli. E ogni volta che il prodigio accade, quando il suono comincia a propagarsi e la mia voce teenager esce sparata dalle casse, io mi alzo, sfilo gli occhiali neri e con lo sguardo abbraccio la massa di corpi danzanti, le coppie di ragazzini che si abbracciano, i sorrisi della gente in pista, le parole canticchiate a fior di labbra e lascio che tutto questo mi investa come un terremoto interiore.
A quel punto la mia missione è finita. Il monaco rientra nella sua cella. L’agente segreto si rimette gli occhiali e torna a casa soddisfatto.
So che non durerà a lungo. I revival hanno tempi brevi e già alle porte preme la riscoperta dei primi anni 90. Tra un po’ sarà tutto finito di nuovo e anche le mie canzoni torneranno nell’oblio da cui sono state momentaneamente riesumate. Ma è proprio questa precarietà a muovermi, a tenermi costantemente attiva. Finché sta accadendo io devo esserci, devo percepirlo. Prima che scompaia di nuovo io devo sentire che, nel mio piccolo, una traccia l’ho lasciata.
In fondo, non è per questo che si vive?
Nota dell’autore: il presente racconto si ispira alla figura della cantante Diana Est e ai tre singoli da lei pubblicati fra il 1982 e il 1983. E’ frutto di pura invenzione e ogni eventuale riferimento alla vita e alle vicende della persona reale è da considerarsi puramente frutto del caso.

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